When writing a public blog like this, I've come to find that it's a bit difficult to decide exactly how much to reveal. I have no problem sharing my name, and my husband Steve knows about my blogs and is cool with his name being known as well. That said, out of something like respect I will be keeping the names of...well, of certain people in my past...to myself. And I will probably be sugar coating things--not about myself, but about others--just a bit. Because lately I've found myself feeling a sort of pity for those who have hurt me the most.
That said, in a previous post I alluded to--no, that's not right, I outright admitted to--a previous marriage. A marriage that officially ended two years and one month ago (although of course it was over long before that) and yet is still haunting me. That's the thing about failed marriages...if you think it's difficult to get away from the trouble a relationship gone bad causes you, imagine that trouble multiplied by at least 10. No, 100. That's the type of trouble a failed marriage causes you.
I won't give details on how Ex is causing me problems--that's a bit too personal, even for me--but I feel the need to express my concern about what's going on. Because I don't know if he's doing what he's doing because he really has no choice, or if he's doing what he's doing because out of the choices he has, it's the thing that will hurt him the least and me the most. Maybe he really has moved on, maybe he isn't angry with me anymore...but knowing him like I do, I have to admit that it's hard to believe that really is the case.
Maybe I didn't give enough explanation when I left him; I don't know. I know that he thinks I left him for someone else, which is decidedly not the case. I left him for myself, and I left him because of him. I've never pretended that I was perfect in that relationship, because I wasn't. Far from it. But I was lied to. I was called stupid, spoiled, a bitch. Not only was I made to believe that my dreams weren't as important as his, I was forced to live my life as such. And yet he wondered why I left and blamed it on my wanting to be with someone else...with Steve...despite the fact that when I told Ex that it was over, in July 2008, I hadn't talked to Steve since November 2005 (or maybe it was October of that year? I can't quite recall).
So I feel pity for him. Pity because he probably didn't learn the lessons that I learned, in the end. But I just can't understand how he didn't hear the words that I said to him. How he agreed that things between us weren't right, only to turn around and hate me for saying such words the moment he realized I was interested in another man. I know he focused on the things he did to make himself feel better, but that doesn't make it right. And now, in this moment, I'm torn between that pity I feel and the anger that two and a half years later I'm having to deal with the vestiges of our marriage. Even more than that, I'm frustrated that I had to call him, and when I did, he sent his phone to voicemail. And when I left him a message with my number and said he could call or email me, it was two days before I received any sort of communication--and it was in writing. I emailed him back, that was two and a half weeks ago, and he has yet to "honor" me with a response.
Yes, I know that this entry is a bit of a rambling pointless mess and I'm sorry. But I think it's important for my readers to know that despite all my cooking and clothes and running and yoga, I'm only human. I make mistakes. Big ones. And I have to live with the consequences. I get angry and frustrated and I feel things (i.e. pity for an Ex who practically broke me as a woman) that I don't understand. And yes, sometimes, I regret. Because truth be told, I don't want to think about Ex, let alone be forced to talk to or correspond with him...but no matter how bad our history is, I do deserve to be treated as an equal by him. And at the moment, I feel much as I did when I was his wife...out of the loop and not trusted with those things that "the man" handles.
Excuse my language, but fucking ridiculous.