Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Thing #5: A Quote

Day 5: A favorite quote.
"I am what I am both as a result of the people who respected me and helped me, and of those who did not respect me and treated me badly."

I have a lot of favorite quotes, and I really had to contemplate for a bit as to which one I would choose for this post. I picked this one because it's a quote I can comfortably write about...because what's the point of doing this meme/challenge if my readers don't really learn anything about me through it, right?

I've certainly had my fair share of friends and family members who hurt me without meaning to do so. I've accepted plenty of apologies and moved on with those relationships, in positive directions. However, I've also been beyond blessed with amazing people who, as this quote states, respected and helped me: my mother, my best friend Jenna, my husband Steve, my "brother" Chad, my amazing man-friends Andy and Jonathan, my former cast members Adrian and Larry and Marty etc., my fellow geek-in-arms Mike, my wonderful confidante Ali, my crazy/beautiful "twin" Becky...and I really could go on. These are the people who have made my life easier, made my life fun, allowed me to be my weird and nutty self and loved me all the more for it. Without people like them in my life, I wouldn't have been able to be myself. I could and maybe would have drowned in the vat of mediocrity that is filled with those people who do nothing but try to conform. No thanks.

On the opposite end of that spectrum are those who, yeah, didn't respect me and to be completely honest treated me like shit. Ex, for one, who made me feel as if I wasn't as good as him because...I don't know, because I was younger. Because I was smart but in his eyes, not smartER. Because I was only a woman, only a wife, and he was Husband and not just a man, but Man of the house. Fake "friends" in my church youth group and in high school who made me feel as if I wasn't cool enough by leaving me out of cliques and activities and whispering behind my back. Sorority sisters who mutinied against me because my sorority wasn't the only or most important thing going on in my life during college. Co-workers and people one rank above me when I was a restaurant manager at Disney, who saw me as just some 23-year-old girl who certainly couldn't or wouldn't take my job seriously. People in Steve's life who for whatever reason came to the conclusion that I wasn't good enough or right for him and did their best to come between us and were in fact probably trying to ruin or end our relationship outright.

Because of these people--all of them--I am who and what I am. I started this blog because for years I kept one on LiveJournal, but it was under lock and key. I'm done being under lock and key.

I am doing my best to not filter this, here, my most personal little spot in the blog world.
I will reclaim me, and damn anyone who feels the need to think they are better or more than all I am.

Because at the risk of sounding more stuck-up than self-confident, I know that I am
a great wife
a fantastic friend
a survivor
and a good person...

Despite the fact that I'm
a sinner
and yes, sometimes, a little too harsh.

But if I refuse to be all that I can be, as the cliche goes...then I will never again make a difference.

Approximately two years and three months after I was raped, I sat on a stage during a production of The Vagina Monologues and screamed "CUNT!" for three nights in a row in front of an average audience of 150 people per night. Weeks later, I had to justify why I did this to people who basically said I wasn't "good enough". I was open and brave and I didn't censor myself.

That was almost seven years ago.

I will be that woman again. I am that woman again. Because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter won't mind.

Day 6: A moment you wish you could relive.
Day 7: Five things you couldn't possibly live without.
Day 8: A thank you letter to someone who has changed your life.
Day 9: A photo you took.
Day 10: A photo of you taken over ten years ago.
Day 11: A photo of you taken recently.
Day 12: A song that you want played at your wedding(or was played).
Day 13: A guilty pleasure.
Day 14: A vacation you would like to take.
Day 15: A person you admire.
Day 16: A song that makes you cry.
Day 17: An art piece.
Day 18: A time when you felt passionate and alive.
Day 19: A talent of yours.
Day 20: A hobby of yours.
Day 21: Something you know you do differently than most people.
Day 22: A website.
Day 23: A way in which you want to be remembered.
Day 24: A movie no one would expect you to love.
Day 25: A recipe.
Day 26: A childhood memory.
Day 27: A physical feature you love.
Day 28: A scar you have and it's story.
Day 29: Hopes, dreams and plans you have for the next 365 days.
Day 30: A motto or philosophy.
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