Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Writer's Block Wednesday: In Which Y'all Learn Way Too Much About Me.

I am about to share more information about me than anyone who isn't a close friend should ever know.

Why, you ask? Why? Well, because I'm a stickler for punishment, or something. Or really just because I found this article - 50 Mistakes Every Woman Should Make - absolutely hilarious.

Do I agree with everything listed in it? *Hell* no. But below I have picked out...ah, I suck at counting as I write this, but I think I've listed 30 of the 50 mistakes from the article - many of which I've made (a few of those were only "sort of", though); a few of which I haven't made but felt the need to include (and you'll see why).

The thing is, everyone makes mistakes. And as the author of the above article wrote, some of these articles that have been circulating lately (i.e. "50 Probably Ridiculous Modern Skills Every Woman Should Know", or whatever the eff that article is) make most of us "Modern Women" feel, well, incompetent? Just a bit? (I mean really, WHO CARES how well you wrap a gift. That paper's just getting torn off anyway. AND DON'T EVER TELL ME HOW TO PACK FOR ANY VACATION. If I want to bring a giant roller board suitcase for my long weekend to wherever, I'll damn well do it and you can kiss my ass.)

All that said - enjoy reading about the many, many mistakes I've made off the "50 Mistakes" list. And enjoy knowing that there have been quite a few more on top of these. Heh.

1. Fuck up your bangs.
You seriously have to completely ruin your bangs and seek professional help about 10 times before you master the at-home bangs trim. Plus, haven't you always wanted to try baby Bettie bangs?

I've done this not once, but TWICE. Feast your eyes:

Between freshman and sophomore years of high school - the time I only cut a chunk of bangs in the very center of my forehead. I SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED TO TAKE SCISSORS TO MY HAIR.
Summer 2004 (and the worst part is, this extended until like December 2004) - the time I kept trying to cut my own side-swept bangs. SMH.
 4. Have sex for money  (or just a really expensive dinner).
It's good to know your options, and if you hate it, you know you better start developing some job skills.

Okay, I've never done it; nor would I suggest doing so. BUT this brings up a funny story: there was one time in Vegas when I asked a completely legit-looking guy in his 30s if I could sit with him at his VIP table because my feet hurt...and he said yes. So I sat, and we talked, and I thought I was just being friendly and HE was just being friendly...until he sort of scuffed his feet and wrung his hands (and looked down at his hands rather than at me when he said this) and asked, "So, what are you, like...$1000 an hour?"

That's right. He thought I was an escort.

I suppose I should be grateful that he thought I was worth so much, though. No?

This would be the $1,000 hooker comment night, back in December 2010. I just...don't get it.

9. Move somewhere where you don't know anyone but the boy you're dating, under the dreamy, misguided idea that "all you need is love."
If you're a well-rounded person, you'll hate it, and when you leave you'll move somewhere better and never want to do it again. Teach yourself balance!

 I didn't do this exactly as it's written, but I did try hard as hell to make living in Lynchburg work. I knew no one there except for Ex, and I never wanted to live there in the first place (it is literally the most boring place in the world - yes, I'm STILL convinced of that)...but sure enough, I wanted to believe that "all you need is love". Course it would have helped if I'd still been in love with Ex.

The one thing I liked about living in Lynchburg - Timberlake

10. Help someone cheat on their girlfriend.
You'll walk away with a little guilt and a lot of wisdom about cowardice. You'll also develop a cheater-radar that is useful in your own relationships!

 I honestly can't explain the reason this is good any more perfectly than what is already said above.

I will say that once I did it for love (misguided, yes, but what can you do) and the other time, I was just being an ass. I'll also admit that I still don't really feel bad about the latter, but that was likely because the guy was a jerk and I wasn't the first girl he'd cheated with or the only girl he WAS cheating with. Whatreyagonnado.

12. Think that if your significant other is unfaithful/a drug addict/married to someone else/not as nice as your friend's boyfriends that's ok, because he always comes back to you in the end.
You need to go out with a few total morons, and be blissfully niave to the true extent of their moronity for a good six months, to really appreciate all the good guys you'll then go on to meet. Plus it helps you hone your moron-radar so you're not still getting screwed around when you're menopausal. 

I definitely spent about four years doing this with Ex. I'm still not 100% sure that he was unfaithful (though I've heard things that make me think that he cheated at least once) and I'll leave that second thing alone. Obviously he wasn't married to anyone else, and I DO think that "not as nice as your friend's boyfriend" is being a bit picky...but he was absolutely not right for me, plus you know...all those times he told me that I was stupid/would never make anything of myself/would never be able to support myself/had completely unattainable dreams/was a huge bitch/etc. etc. etc. on and on and on count toward this. But yes, the way our relationship unfolded, the way he treated me, absolutely made me appreciate the "good guys" - both the ones who are just my friends, and the one I eventually ended up with ;)

14. Eat so much you throw up.
Also, eat something out of the garbage. Eat things you know aren't good for you. Eat in bed and get crumbs everywhere. Deliberately avoid finding out how many calories are in something pseudo-healthy so you can keep living a delicious lie.

I haven't QUITE accomplished this, and I'd really like to avoid doing so, but I've *definitely* eaten enough to give myself an awful stomach ache. Too many times to count. And the only thing that kept me from throwing up - at least a few of those times - was forcing myself to go to bed.
This was one of those times. Bellagio dinner buffet, June 2010. NEVER AGAIN.
15. Cut all your hair off a week before you go to college.
You may spend the next three years trying to grow in out in an awkward bob, but it means that when you meet your old college friends again for the first time in 5 years, they'll be amazed at the transformation when they see your long, shiny locks.

So it wasn't before I went to my FRESHMAN year of college, but it WAS before I started my first semester at Longwood, once I'd transferred there. I still don't know what I was thinking.

September 2002, one of far too many bad haircuts.

16. Somebody too young

Okay, I can at least say that I've never gone TOO far with this...but I've definitely dealt with the "too young" factor and it is for sure a learning experience. Do it because it will remind you why guys your own age (or hey, older!) are just...WAY better. Trust me.

19. The bass player (ugh)

WTF *WHY*???

(Yes, I'm disagreeing with this being any sort of mistake, because I just don't understand it. In fact my former future husband [long story, there] is a bass player. Don't knock this one 'till you try it.)

BFFs and marriage pacts for--->>>. Gotta show the bass players some love, folks.
21. Date a co-worker.
When you eventually break up (you will), get back by sabotaging each other's work projects and turning half the office against the other party. Also: revenge sex. After the revenge sex, pretend like you don't even know each other.

Well. I haven't actually dated a co-worker to the point where TEH SEX happened (sad, I know - kiddinggg)...but while at Disney I did date TWO co-workers and both flings ended...well, not *badly* per se, but not well, either. Honestly I'm just glad I learned my lesson early and that things didn't get ugly, because making this mistake at 18 and seeing how awkward it got (especially with the kid who showed up on his day off, when I was working, with a note and a rose, begging me to forgive him and just making me feel uncomfortable while making an ass out of himself) has kept me from ever making it again. Thankfully.

22. Be financially irresponsible.
Don't balance your checkbook. See how long you can live on the $5.23 in your bank account. When you get paid again, blow all your money on shoes and booze. Rinse, repeat.

 Well, while I can safely say I've never completely blown all of my money on "shoes and booze"...I've definitely never balanced a checkbook. And yes, this has led to trouble, though thankfully only a couple of times. The worst was probably when I went to buy like $80 worth of groceries in college and my debit card was denied. Talk about embarrassing. Still, it definitely taught me to keep a WAY better eye on my finances, so it was probably a good mistake to make.

23. Move across the country with $1,000 in your pocket and no job.
Go dancing every night for two weeks before you get serious about finding a job. Miraculously land a job on the same day your money runs out, because that's usually how life works.

I've never really done this, but I totally wish I had.

I've moved part-way across the country - from Connecticut to Florida - with far less than $1,000 in my pocket...but I was doing so
FOR a job, so I guess that doesn't count.

And I've moved without having a job (when Ex and I moved from VA to SC), but whereas we were broke as crap when we did it, HE was moving for a job, so again...

Still, I can only imagine how awesome it is to just pick up and go like that. I've had friends do it and yeah, I was a bit jealous of them...even when things didn't turn out so well! (though for some of my friends who made this choice, things turned out great) It's just so adventurous, and having never done it makes me feel like a bit of a stick-in-the-mud ;) 
24. Quit your day job, especially if someone has snarkily told you, in reference to your creative pursuits, "Don't quit your day job!"  
The first step to greatness is taking action, and "success" has many definitions.

Though I've never had anyone tell me not to quit my day job in regards to my "creative pursuits", I've definitely quit my day job without having another one lined up. It was a bit scary but to be honest it needed to happen...and in fact it led to several very positive experiences. That, and the job I ended up with a few months after quitting that other day job was with the company I'm still with now. So yeah, at least once in your life, quit your day job!
27. Have unprotected sex.
Because it feels better that way.

I'm not saying don't be careful, and I'm DEFINITELY not saying to do this with a random person. But YES GOOD. ;)

28. Call into work sick when you're hungover.
Because going to work hungover sucks.

Just...don't do it all the time. In fact I can't remember the last time I did this; it was years and years ago. But as long as you don't abuse it, I suppose once in a great while is okay. Because yeah, going to work hungover DEFINITELY sucks.
29. Get so drunk that you vomit up that 2 a.m. slice of pizza.
Bulimia without the stigma!

It wasn't pizza, it was...well one time it was cheese puffs and another time it was McDonald's french fries, but what can you do. The douchey kid I was paired with during beer pong that night refused to drink the Bud Light we were using...and he and I lost every game we played. (And people wonder why I hate beer pong...) My only consolation is that this was a LONG time ago.

It was this night. Sometime in the fall of 2004. So there.
30. Cry at work.
So that you get it out of your system and never do that again.

HA, I did this just about every day for half of July in 2006. It involved Ex, it was embarrassing, but what can I say...I was an emotional wreck at the time. Thankfully my co-workers and cast members were amazing...they let me be when I needed to be let be, and when I needed to be cheered up some of my favorite workers made me this "Queen of the Closers" regalia!

Can you tell I'd cried all my makeup off? Heh.
31. Date a nice guy.
So you learn why not to end up with one.

To be fair, Steve is an AMAZING guy, and I ended up with him. And by amazing, I mean yes, he's a "nice guy". But he's only one of two nice guys I've ever dated, and the difference between him and the first one is that he doesn't let me walk all over him, and he doesn't have some annoying disbelief over the fact that I want to be with him. I do have to say though, that first nice guy was really good to me when I needed a guy to be really good to me, and I'll always be grateful for that.

Ha, this picture probably does a good job of summing up our relationship. (May 2000, by the way)
32. Carry on a vague sexual relationship with a friend which you know is going nowhere but is fraught with tension and tears.
Do it for the drama.

Err...I'm not really sure what "vague sexual relationship" means??? Though I've definitely had some more-than-friends relationships with guy friends that I knew would go nowhere. Sometimes I hoped they would, sometimes I didn't want them to. Sometimes there was tension and tears, sometimes there just...wasn't (at least not on my part). But also, sometimes you just need to have a physical relationship with a friend just to make sure that you're not meant for anything more than that. I think.
33. Scream at someone who does something really fucked up to you.
It's not healthy to bottle all that shit up. Plus, they deserve to be screamed at if they are doing fucked up things.

Okay, truth be told I've probably done this far too often with some people and nowhere near often enough with others...but it's true. Oh, so, true.

36. Drunkenly confess your love for a friend with benefits.
It's gonna happen eventually anyway. Might as well use the excuse of alcohol to  force yourselves to have The Talk. The sooner you get that life is not a romantic comedy, and that saying "I spent all last summer trying to get over you" is not a key to eternal happiness, the more you'll value the relationships you do have.

You wanna know a secret? I did this TWICE, and I wasn't drunk EITHER time. First time was with *E*, second time Ex. I'm glad I did it - both times. Because with *E* it helped me understand that what I wanted between us would never happen, and with Ex...well, a month later he admitted that he loved me too. Of course, with as messed up as our "relationship" had been up to that point, I shouldn't have let it go as far as it did after that...but what can ya do.

41. Get super-obsessed with a guy you don't even like, just because he doesn't like you.
Feel the sweet sense of triumph as your interest drains away the first time he expresses interest.

Sure, why not. Though maybe not quite so far as "he doesn't like you"...more like..."just because he doesn't like you as more than an FWB", or something. And yeah, the second he shows interest in more than a casual thing, bye bye to my interest. Soooo many times. Oops?

42. Be the crazy ex.
Break into his email and voicemail accounts, stalk his social media accounts, drive by his house, threaten suicide, the usual. It's like the chicken pox -- you usually only get it once.

DISAGREE. I've never wanted or needed to "break into" another person's email/voicemail/social media account - whether that person was my significant other or my ex. I won't say I never thought about driving by my ex's house (really just *E*, probably, because I was so heartbroken), but all I could think was "girl if you do this you are beyond help" I didn't. Threatening suicide is idiotic, not funny, and...well don't even get me started on that. And I don't think the girls who act like this "only get it once" because I've seen at least a couple of them in action more than once. Sorry, but I refuse to be lumped with those psychos. 

44. Talk shit about someone and get busted.
Then apologize. Or don't -- you obviously don't like that person all that much anyway.

Oh please, who hasn't done this? I will say that once I got caught, I stopped! Best thing to come from this mistake, IMO.

45. Overshare to an aquaintance.
And have it bite you in the ass when they use the information against you. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. And what are you supposed to do, sip seltzer at happy hour?

I suppose I've been lucky in that this has never come back to bite me in the ass, but sure, why not? Sometimes it's nice to unburden yourself, even if it IS to someone you barely know...right? Right? ;)

46. Don't open your mail for like a year.
Some problems go away if you ignore them long enough. And there's bound to be at least some good news in there if you finally decide to confront the terrifying pile of paper you've been shoving in your oven.

 I don't think I've ever gone a full year, but I've definitely gone longer than I should. And lately I've taken to just tearing up anything that comes for me in the mailbox because unless it's a personal letter, I know it's probably not good news (considering all bills, bank statements etc. are online now).

47. Be super-jealous of your friends' success.
I mean, their success isn't actually hindering yours, but it SURE FEELS THAT WAY. And you can't control your feelings.

This is another one I have to disagree with. I have some amazing friends, and some of those amazing friends have had awesome, well-deserved things happen to them. I'm not saying I've never been jealous, but I've never been SUPER jealous and I've certainly never let it effect the way I treat them. That said, sometimes a little bit of jealousy is a good thing, because it may spur you to act, you know?

48. Go out in clothes that are stained/wrinkled/unraveling. 
Cause you think no one will notice until you're in direct sunlight. Use dark clothing to wipe your hands and mop up spills.

Who the eff am I kidding, I do this all. the. time. (Whatever, it's liberating.)

Um, I'm definitely wearing bright green PJ pants and a stained/torn up Killingly CT sweatshirt. Don't mind the cigarette though, Jenna and I were going for the "James Dean look".

49. Play dumb.
Especially when you get caught doing something wrong. Cleavage helps, too.


50. Let someone take naked pictures of you.
Sext. Show your boobs to someone in a bar. They're just parts.

I've never shown my boobs to someone at a bar. That's all I'll say about that...because honestly, what happens in the privacy of one's own, text one's own business. Right?

Phew, that was long...maybe I should have split it up into more than one entry. But now that it's all out there, I figure I'll just leave it as is. And if you are shocked and appalled, well, then, you just don't know me very well. Heh. 
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1 comment:

  1. #14...As I was scrolling through and got to this one, I thought, "Hey, those desserts look familiar..." Then I read the caption and laughed. You were pretty miserable that night, as I recall!

    #15...I noticed this phenomenon my junior and senior year of high school. So many senior girls were chopping their hair off sometime between prom and graduation! I didn't get it. I only chopped my hair off about halfway through college.

    #23...That pretty much describes what I did 6 years ago by moving to Califonria. Except I had about $1400.