Monday, August 25, 2014

Monday Confessions

I confess...I may have reached a state of zen in terms of my Dragon Con costumes. As in, several of them will be either not finished at all or totally half-assed, and I've got too much other important stuff going on to really care. I think. Perhaps. Heh.

I confess...that on the same subject, all the rest of my cosplay items finally arrived in the mail, but I can't bring myself to be excited about them. Yeah, I'm a bit of a downer today...

I confess...while I'm at it, I might as well share my interview with Dragon Con's Social Media Director, which I posted over on The Geekiary last week. Never even finished posting about SDCC and here I am, on to another convention already. Oops?

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Thursday, August 21, 2014

One Week 'Til Dragon Con!

As usual I'm struggling to finish costumes for Dragon Con, despite having the best of intentions in terms of getting things done months ago. Or at least weeks ago. To be fair, if you've been reading my blog at all you know that things have been a bit rough for me...and to be honest, if I don't finish things, I don't finish them, and that's something I'm going to have to live with.

But I'm sure as hell going to try ;)

So let's see...things I've learned as I try to throw costumes together last minute...

~ Mod Podge burns if you get it on your skin. But hey, only for a second!

~ Nothing ever dries fast enough when you're in a rush to get stuff done. Not the aforementioned Mod Podge, not wood glue, nothing.

~ I really, truly, honestly don't have enough creativity for cosplay, and quite often find myself wondering why I bother with it at all.

~ There's nothing better than a really sharp Exacto when cutting craft foam. Like, really sharp. And I didn't have one of those when I needed it. Sigh.

~ Wait...there is something better - friends who are willing to help and encourage you as you struggle to deal with personal issues while finishing costumes on time for Dragon Con ;)

On a side note...I'm a panelist on the American Sci-Fi Fantasy Media's Game of Thrones: Loosing the Chains panel on Friday evening at 7 come check it out! Pin It

Monday, August 18, 2014

Monday Confessions

I confess...I'm not ready for Dragon Con and I'm not even sure I care.

I confess...I deactivated Facebook for a couple days at least. I'll probably have to get back on it soon and I dread it, but I need it for certain things (Geekiary stuff and Dragon Con stuff) so it is what it is I suppose.

I confess...the idea of facing this week, let alone getting through it, is overwhelming.

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Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Kissing death and losing my breath...

So much has happened in the past couple of months, but it's only now, hearing that a beloved celebrity took his own life, that I am finally going to admit the truth.

Just over a year ago I posted an entry about my struggles with depression, though looking back now I wonder how I did so in an almost lighthearted way. I suppose because at the time, I assumed that what I was feeling would be fleeting.

Only it's been a year and three months since I wrote that entry, and instead, it's gotten steadily worse.

I wish that I could pinpoint some actual beginning to what's been going on with me, but the fact is that I've struggled with depression time and time again for as long as I can remember. Sure, it manifested itself differently when I was in middle school versus when I was in high school, and again it wasn't the same in college as it was before that. And this more recent bout - which has been the longest one I've experienced by far - is different still.

In fact, I went back to try and find a picture of myself from a time when I remember I was truly happy - consistently, too, not just because I was on vacation or something - and I had to go all the way back to January 2012.

And I still had to choose a picture from when I was on vacation.

I'm not going to say that I've never had a happy moment since then - I've had plenty of them. It's just that the prevailing emotions have been that specific cocktail of anxiety, fear, anger, and sadness that make up my personal version of depression - which I suppose has always been there, like in those Abilify commercials...but until recently, I was able to cope with it. Usually. For the most part.

A lot has happened in the past two years. Some of it involves others - things that happened, things they did - whose personal information I won't divulge, but most of it involves me, of course. There have been things I can't control, like my health; things I possibly could have controlled, like the illness and death of my beloved cat Lilo, gone too soon from this world; and things that I did control, like some terrible decisions that I made. The latter are mostly due to the way I was feeling, but I refuse to use that as an 'excuse'. I made my bed, now I have to lie in it, and all that.

In the beginning it was a combination of having my hours cut at work (thus resulting in a fairly significant difference in my salary), along with the fact that about that time I started singing with a band and having an amazing time (TOO amazing, really), only to have that swept out from under me mere months after it began. I think the problem is that I never really FACED the way I felt about those things, not really, and so as time went on all the negativity just festered, even long after I was working 40 hours a week again and realized that the band had been more trouble than it was worth.

And then suddenly it was one thing after another - the ceiling falling in at my house in the spring of 2013, and the subsequent repairs and renovations that followed - and took far longer than they were supposed to (to be completely honest, they're still not totally finished). Spending a huge portion of last fall traveling for what were essentially volunteer jobs - covering conventions, mostly, which I loved...but which cost a lot of money and kept me away from home and my pets. Sure, it was all very fun, even glamorous at times, but it wasn't a sustainable lifestyle - as I learned to my detriment.

My health was the next thing to take a turn. I found a lump in my neck, and now, not quite nine months later, there are three in my neck and two in my pelvic area. All lymph nodes. At the moment they appear 'safe', but it was only after about 5 months of testing and ultrasounds and check-ups that the doctor would tell me as much - and I just have to hope that they don't get bigger.

We found a lost cat on the verge of death in April. She only lived for another week, though we worked hard to save her.

Two weeks after that, Lilo passed away - suddenly, and almost violently.

And all that time, I was just keeping myself busy. Distracting myself with work and writing and conventions. Never really sleeping or eating properly. No real vacations, and days where I spent at least fifteen of my eighteen-ish waking hours on a computer.

Looking back now, I'm surprised I didn't have a breakdown months ago.

It became second nature to hide the way I felt; if anything I was overcompensating for my depression.
It took the betrayal of a friend - the likes of which I hadn't experienced in a good five years - to force me to rock bottom. But that was just the catalyst for the illness that has always been there to mix just right with everything that's gone wrong in the past two years and then, for lack of a better word, 'explode'. (Or maybe in this case I should be saying 'implode'...)

Before I crashed, though, I'd been socially isolating myself - not just from a few people, but from everyone, including my closest friends and family. I lost nearly 30 pounds in about seven months, which may not sound like a lot, but is when you're built like I am. I was tired all of the time, stressed all of the time, and irritated for most of it, as well. I stopped enjoying any and everything I'd once loved.

Speaking of love, the outpouring of support that I received when I told a handful of close friends that I was going to the hospital to get assessed for a mental health program was amazing. It hurts me that for so long, I avoided these people who care about me. Simple things like someone changing their profile picture to one of me and them the day they knew I was going to the hospital are what I remind myself of when I inevitably have those moments, hours, days, when all I want to do is lay in bed and cry.

I found some solace in understanding family and friends. In running with my dogs. In riding my bike downtown to read and write and ruminate in our beautiful park. In driving up to the mountains and losing myself in a long hike in the summer heat.

One night, when I was at my worst, I made myself get up off the floor - literally, I was laying on the floor - and write the names of those I love - and who I know love me back - on my little chalkboard. I wrote names until the wave broke, and then I laid down and slept better than I had in weeks. Months, even.

I'm getting help now, but I can't pretend that any of this is easy; I can't pretend that I don't read these articles about Robin Williams and am at turns saddened and repulsed by them (depending on the 'spin' the writers put on them).

I'm getting help now, but there are still days when only the biggest things (like some children dropping a stray dog off at my house) can pull me out of bed.

I'm getting help now, but there are still times when it seems like a chore to remind myself to breathe, when simply leaving the house brings on a panic attack.

The one thing I wish is that it hadn't taken me this long to face my illness. I was lucky to have the right person to talk to at the right time, but if I hadn't, I would have made my way over to the hospital and checked myself in. I've seen and experienced firsthand what suicide does to a loved one's family and friends; the fact that I was still thinking those thoughts scared me into action.

Please, please, if you reach your low point - whatever that is - or maybe even when you realize you're careening towards someone. Friend, family, hotline. Or go to the nearest hospital. I would never claim to know exactly how anyone else feels, but allow yourself to at least hope, if not know, that the depression is feeding you lies, and that help is available in one form or another.

If you aren't struggling, please just be patient with those who are. Don't forget the old adage that says something along the lines of, 'be kind to everyone you meet, because you never know what they're battling'. Pin It

Monday, August 11, 2014

Monday Confessions

I confess...some neighborhood children dropped a stray dog off at my house yesterday, likely because they know I have dogs and take good care of them? Regardless, Rigby is being kind of a jerk, so I'm not sure how long I can keep this dog around, nor do I really have the time to figure out where he came from (especially when it's likely he was dropped off in the neighborhood on purpose and his 'owners' don't want him back). He's super sweet so I just feel so bad :( Posts on Craigslist and Reddit haven't done any good so I just don't know where to go from here.

I's after 1:30 PM and I know I should eat lunch but I'm just not sure I can stomach it...nothing like stress to kill one's appetite ;)

I confess...this dreary weather needs to stop! It's summer, darnit, but it's hard to enjoy that when it's constantly raining or threatening to rain...

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Thursday, August 7, 2014

Book Review: The Princess Bride by William Goldman

When I expressed an interest to read this novel - because I love the movie, of course - the few people I knew who'd done so warned me that it was very, very different. I suppose it's because of their warnings that I was able to [mostly] separate the two, though I have to agree with the many people who say that this is one of those 'the movie is actually better than the book' cases.


When it comes to the books that I enjoy, I actually prefer the more cynical ones, the ones with open or downright unhappy endings, and the overall tone of this novel - which so many movie lovers harp on - really didn't bother me. I was even generally amused by Goldman's asides throughout his 'abridgement' of the fictional S. Morgenstern's fictional novel The Princess Bride.

And yet it didn't sit well with me, overall. The best thing about it was the extra back story that we got on many of the characters, yet that additional information actually made me dislike some of them (namely Buttercup and Westley), despite liking them in the movie. I saw another review that mentioned the author's overuse of device and that because of it the actual story suffered, and I completely agree.

Honestly though, who doesn't want more Princess Bride? Unless you desperately need a wrapped-up, happy ending (and also seriously despise parentheses), I say give it a read. 3.5/5 stars.

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Monday, August 4, 2014

Monday Confessions

I's probably more than a little bit sad that I feel it's a big deal that I went to see Guardians of the Galaxy this weekend. This is a big thing for several reasons, not the least of which is that I almost never go see movies in the theater.

I confess...for many many months now I've been really withdrawn from my friends/friendships. I'm trying to correct that now, but as I'm also dealing with some personal issues (and because most of the people I need to reconnect with know this) it's even harder than it should be. Thank God I have so many wonderful and understanding people in my life...

I confess...I got a bit of news this morning that should have either excited or upset me, but I kinda don't feel much of anything about it. Noooot really sure if this is because of the things that I'm dealing with, or because I'm afraid to explore how I really feel about it. Bah.

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